I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
-JW Randall, Capt of His Majesty’s 8th Dragoons
*Disclaimer: I ken verra well that there is NOTHING funny about rape and torture. But in the interest of my own self-preservation, I will try to find some humor in order to cope with what’s coming. Fair warning…there will be stuff in here that ye willna be able to unsee!
Ha! Fooled ye, didn’t I? Ye thought maybe I started writin’ about True Blood, didn’t ye? No. I just like the theme song…and it seemed apropos to use it here. I may have mentioned in a recent tweet that I’m “freaking the f*ck out” over the upcoming final episodes of Outlander (ye ken what I mean…WENTWORTH). I really, really hope Ron D. Moore didn’t hire James Wan to direct the last two episodes (look it up). I think we’ll see some award-worthy performances from Sam, Tobias and Cait, truly. But I’d be lying if I said I wasna scairt shiteless about watching it (it was horrific enough in my wee coo heid when I read it!) I do want to see what they do with this verra heavy material, but do I really want to see Jamie/Sam being raped and tortured (even if it is just a TV show)? Not so much.
So, aye, I’ll watch it…but I’m going to need a LOT of whisky (see previous blog for my recommendations!) and perhaps a valium…or three. Sooooo…I thought I’d put together a little preemptive preparatory blog to deal with the post-viewing PTSD that is sure to come. So I asked myself. “Moo,what ‘s the best way to confront this?”
Option 1: Revisit some of the worst things I’ve ever seen on film in attempt to numb myself to it… The hobbling scene from Misery (NEVER gonna unsee THAT). Prince Oberyn’s death in Game of Thrones (still in therapy). The crucifix scene in the Exorcist…disturbing, to say the least (the “your mother sucks c*cks in hell” line was particularly memorable). The absolute worst thing I’ve ever seen, though, is the torture sequence from the Japanese film Audition. Still makes me cringe and squirm and cough up a few hairballs just thinking about it (aye, hairballs, I tell ye!). In fact, I’ve never actually seen the whole thing…I just can’t…it’s that messed up. This is what I imagine Wentworth will be like. The young woman in Audition, like BJR, totally relishes her victim’s pain. She’s giddy with it. She’s like a kid in a candy store. She’s surgically precise. She takes her time about it, aye? (and not in the good Jamie way, ye ken?). But on some level, it’s a wee bit vindicating, because the victim in the film is kind of a douche.
Here’s the clip, if you’re really curious…but seriously, don’t watch it. I’m not kidding. Just…don’t.
You watched it, didn’t you? Don’t blame me, I told ye not to! That’s some seriously sick shit. But the big difference re: Outlander is that Jamie Fraser is not a douche! He doesna deserve this! So maybe trying to become immune through violence overload won’t work. It’s still going to upset me to no end to see this happen to Jamie (and by necessity, Sam). I know, I know…it’s a great acting challenge, yada yada yada. I’m still planning to brush my bangs over my eyes.
Option 2: How about a new version of how things go down between BJR and Jamie? (ye see what I did there? #fellatio #buggery). Here goes:
Set the scene: Jamie is in BJR’s red room of pain, sitting on the bed, chained to the wall. Suddenly, the door swings open, and BJR strolls in, twirling his riding crop and making little squeaky noises because of the enticing sensations from his nipple clamps. A mash-up of 2 Live Crew’s “Face Down, Ass Up” and “Me So Horny” is playing at low volume in the background)
Well, my fine, red-haired lad, are you ready for me to be your back-door man?
He pulls up a stool and leans forward.
BJR: So, Jamie, do you like gladiator movies?
Jamie: no answer, narrows eyes
BJR: Ever seen a grown man naked?
BJR: Jamie, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
Jamie: What the hell are ye on about, a bhalgair? I need to leave. (he tries to yank the irons out of the wall)
BJR: Not so fast, Weasley
Jamie: Who’s Weasley?
BJR. Forget it. You’re going nowhere, Rusty. Look what I brought you…this lovely board. Here, you look uncomfortable. Lie back.
(ye didna think I would sneak that in, did ye?)
Jamie: Thalla ‘s cac! I canna believe ye did that!. Ye are a dirty bird, Jack Randall! So now that I canna get away, what are ye plannin’ on doin’ with me? And who the hell is Rusty?
BJR: I’m thinking we should get to know each other better.
Jamie: Och! In yer dreams, ye bastard!
BJR: No, Strawberry Shortcake…in RE.AL.I.TY. Remember, you promised to play with me if I let the foul-mouthed scold go…
Jamie: That’s my wife yer slanderin’..I’ll thank ye to refer to her as the lady she is.
BJR: If she’s a lady, then I’m a Vermicious Knid. Anyway, no harm done. Let’s play a game!
Jamie: Ye mean like Battleship?
BJR: (rolls eyes) No…it’s a game I like to call Hide the Haggis. Or we could play “Let Me Peek Behind Your Sporran”
Jamie: My sporran, and what’s behind it, is my own concern. And I dinna like haggis.
BJR: You are trying my patience, Ginger Boy. Here, let me see your hand for a moment, will you?
(ok…that doesn’t happen…but almost!)
BJR: Think fast! (tosses the Crabtree & Evelyn Lavender Body lotion at our hero)
Jamie: Ye bastard! Ye chopped off my fookin’ hand!…now ye want to play catch? Yer such an arsehole!
BJR: You’re hurting my feelings, Big Red. Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t, warn ya. You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain,
BJR: Haters gonna hate. As far as below the belt, all in good time, mon petit Tête de Carotte. Now put some of that stuff on…I love the smell of lavender in the morning.
Jamie: Why do ye want me to do that? And it’s night time, ye clot-heid.
Jamie: Yer sick.
BJR: Am not.
Jamie: Ye are, too!
BJR: Am not
Jamie: Yes, ye are!
BJR: I know you are, but what am I?
Jamie: Stop that!
Jamie: I really dinna like you.
BJR: (put’s on “Love To Love You, Baby”)
Jamie: I dinna like disco, either.
BJR: You don’t like much, do you? Me, disco, haggis. How about reading? Do you like to read?
Jamie: Aye…(hesitatingly). Why do ye ask?
BJR: Have you red pubes?
Jamie: Mmmmphm. Yer nae funny.
BJR: puts on Olivia Newton-John’s Physical
Jamie: Och! Do ye no have anything decent in yer wee box? Any bagpipes?
BJR: Good Lord…NO. How about this. It’s English, so it must be superior (Changes music again)
Jamie: Ye filthy sassenachs are all mad!
BJR: Ok, Bluey…let’s get it on! And no, I don’t know why Australians call redheads “Bluey”…they’re all criminals, so what do you expect? Now, kiss me, you fool! (leans in to kiss, Jamie)
Later the next day, Capt. Randall forces his junior officers to have lunch with him. In the roll of BJR, the lovely Kim Cattrall.
Corporal Hawkins stoms out:
Ok…so if it went down something like that, it might be easier to swallow.