I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

I don’t know what you’ve done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.

-JW Randall, Capt of His Majesty’s  8th Dragoons

*Disclaimer:  I ken verra well that there is NOTHING funny about rape and torture.  But in the interest of my own self-preservation, I will try to find some humor in order to cope with what’s coming.  Fair warning…there will be stuff in here that ye willna be able to unsee!

Ha!  Fooled ye, didn’t I?  Ye thought maybe I started writin’ about True Blood, didn’t ye?  No.  I just like the theme song…and it seemed apropos to use it here.  I may have mentioned in a recent tweet that I’m “freaking the f*ck out” over  the upcoming final episodes of Outlander (ye ken what I mean…WENTWORTH).  I really, really hope Ron D. Moore didn’t hire James Wan to direct the last two episodes (look it up).  I think we’ll see some award-worthy performances from Sam, Tobias and Cait, truly.  But I’d be lying if I said I wasna scairt shiteless about watching it (it was horrific enough in my wee coo heid when I read it!)  I do want to see what they do with this verra heavy material, but do I really want to see Jamie/Sam being raped and tortured (even if it is just a TV show)? Not so much.

So, aye, I’ll watch it…but I’m going to need a LOT of whisky (see previous blog for my recommendations!) and perhaps a valium…or three.  Sooooo…I thought I’d put together a little preemptive preparatory blog to deal with the post-viewing PTSD that is sure to come. So I asked myself. “Moo,what ‘s the best way to confront this?”

Option 1:  Revisit some of the worst things I’ve ever seen on film in attempt to numb myself to it… The hobbling scene from Misery (NEVER gonna unsee THAT). Prince Oberyn’s death in Game of Thrones (still in therapy).  The crucifix scene in the Exorcist…disturbing, to say the least (the “your mother sucks c*cks in hell” line was particularly memorable).  The absolute worst thing I’ve ever seen, though, is the torture sequence from the Japanese film Audition.  Still makes me cringe and squirm and cough up a few hairballs just thinking about it (aye, hairballs, I tell ye!). In fact, I’ve never actually seen the whole thing…I just can’t…it’s that messed up.  This is what I imagine Wentworth will be like.  The young woman in Audition, like BJR, totally relishes her victim’s pain.  She’s giddy with it.  She’s like a kid in a candy store. She’s surgically precise.  She takes her time about it, aye? (and not in the good Jamie way, ye ken?). But on some level, it’s a wee bit vindicating, because the victim in the film is kind of a douche.

Here’s the clip, if you’re really curious…but seriously, don’t watch it.  I’m not kidding. Just…don’t.

You watched it, didn’t you?  Don’t blame me, I told ye not to!  That’s some seriously sick shit.  But the big difference re: Outlander is that Jamie Fraser is not a douche! He doesna deserve this!  So maybe trying to become immune through violence overload won’t work. It’s still going to upset me to no end to see this happen to Jamie (and by necessity, Sam).  I know, I know…it’s a great acting challenge, yada yada yada.  I’m still planning to brush my bangs over my eyes.

Option 2:  How about a new version of how things go down between BJR and Jamie? (ye see what I did there? #fellatio #buggery).  Here goes:

Set the scene:  Jamie is in BJR’s red room of pain, sitting on the bed, chained to the wall.  Suddenly, the door swings open, and BJR strolls in, twirling his riding crop and making little squeaky noises because of the enticing sensations from his nipple clamps.  A mash-up of  2 Live Crew’s “Face Down, Ass Up” and “Me So Horny”  is playing at low volume in the background)

Well, my fine, red-haired lad, are you ready for me to be your back-door man?

He pulls up a stool and leans forward.

BJR:  So, Jamie, do you like gladiator movies?

Jamie:  no answer, narrows eyes

BJR:  Ever seen a grown man naked?

Jamie:  Mmmmphm

BJR:  Jamie, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Jamie: What the hell are ye on about, a bhalgair?  I need to leave. (he tries to yank the irons out of the wall)

BJR:  Not so fast, Weasley

Jamie: Who’s Weasley?

BJR.  Forget it.  You’re going nowhere, Rusty.  Look what I brought you…this lovely board.  Here, you look uncomfortable. Lie back.

(ye didna think I would sneak that in, did ye?)

Jamie: Thalla ‘s cac!  I canna believe ye did that!. Ye are a dirty bird, Jack Randall!  So now that I canna get away, what are ye plannin’ on doin’ with me?  And who the hell is Rusty?

BJR:  I’m thinking we should get to know each other better.

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Jamie:  Och!  In yer dreams, ye bastard!

BJR: No, Strawberry Shortcake…in RE.AL.I.TY.  Remember, you promised to play with me if I let the foul-mouthed scold go…

Jamie: That’s my wife yer slanderin’..I’ll thank ye to refer to her as the lady she is.

BJR:  If she’s a lady, then I’m a Vermicious Knid.  Anyway, no harm done.  Let’s play a game!

Jamie:  Ye mean like Battleship?

BJR:  (rolls eyes) No…it’s a game I like to call Hide the Haggis.  Or we could play “Let Me Peek Behind Your Sporran”

Jamie:   My sporran, and what’s behind it, is my own concern.  And I dinna like haggis.

BJR:  You are trying my patience, Ginger Boy.  Here, let me see your hand for a moment, will you?

(ok…that doesn’t happen…but almost!)

BJR: Think fast! (tosses the Crabtree & Evelyn Lavender Body lotion at our hero)

Jamie:  Ye bastard! Ye chopped off my fookin’ hand!…now ye want to play catch? Yer such an arsehole!

BJR: You’re hurting my feelings, Big Red.  Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t, warn ya. You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain,

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BJR:  Haters gonna hate.  As far as below the belt, all in good time, mon petit Tête de Carotte.  Now put some of that stuff on…I love the smell of lavender in the morning.

Jamie: Why do ye want me to do that?  And it’s night time, ye clot-heid.

BJR

Jamie: Yer sick.

BJR:  Am not.

Jamie:  Ye are, too!

BJR:  Am not

Jamie: Yes, ye are!

BJR:  I know you are, but what am I?

Jamie:  Stop that!

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Jamie:  I really dinna like you.

BJR:  (put’s on “Love To Love You, Baby”)

Jamie: I dinna like disco, either.

BJR:   You don’t like much, do you?  Me, disco, haggis. How about reading?  Do you like to read?

Jamie:  Aye…(hesitatingly).  Why do ye ask?

BJR:  Have you red pubes?

Jamie:  Mmmmphm.  Yer nae funny.

BJR:  puts on Olivia Newton-John’s Physical

Jamie:  Och! Do ye no have anything decent in yer wee box?  Any bagpipes?

BJR:  Good Lord…NO. How about this. It’s English, so it must be superior (Changes music again)

Jamie:  Ye filthy sassenachs are all mad!

BJR:  Ok, Bluey…let’s get it on! And no, I don’t know why Australians call redheads “Bluey”…they’re all criminals, so what do you expect?  Now, kiss me, you fool!  (leans in to kiss, Jamie)

Jamie


Later the next day, Capt. Randall forces his junior officers to have lunch with him.  In the roll of BJR, the lovely Kim Cattrall.

Corporal Hawkins stoms out:

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Ok…so if it went down something like that, it might be easier to swallow.

The Pleasures of Whisky “Laird Broch Tuarach, that’s me”.

Have ye ever seen anything more flippin’ adorable than drunk Jamie Fraser? (Aside from his arse, which will merit it’s own blog post…patience, my preciouses).  Almost peed my pants watching this scene.  And can we give some props to Sam? Movie night in the meadow has shown more bad renditions of actors overdoing drunk on film than I care to recount.  But not our Sam…well-played, big guy.  Well-played.  Just a touch of word-slurring, the hopping on one foot trying to get the boot off (who hasna experienced that?), the unrealistic over-confidence that only the truly inebriated possess…genuinely funny performance.  Must have been all that practice as the Tennent’s lager guy (along with the lovely and talented Tim “The Enchanter” Downie. WootWoot!)

Now, as most of ye ken, book Jamie says that yer drunk only if ye canna stand anymore.  Sitting on the bed, doesna count.  C’mon, Sam, ye lightweight!  Buck up, man, no passing out!

“Jamie,” I said, “how, exactly, do you decide whether you’re drunk?”

Aroused by my voice, he swayed alarmingly to one side, but caught himself on the edge of the mantelpiece. His eyes drifted around the room, then fixed on my face. For an instant, they blazed clear and pellucid with intelligence.

“Och, easy, Sassenach, If ye can stand up, you’re not drunk.” He let go of the mantelpiece, took a step toward me, and crumpled slowly onto the hearth, eyes blank, and a wide, sweet smile on his dreaming face.”
Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

So all of this drunkenness and debauchery got me to thinking about the sublime pleasure that is Whisk(e)y.  the subject of this week’s blog.

So, How DO  You Spell It?

Here’s what they had to say over at masterofmalt.com (hey,  Àdhamh Ó Broin
@Gaeliconsultant, little help with the pronunciation, if ye dinna mind.  Wee coos have a tough time with the Gàidhlig, ye ken.  Especially after we’ve had a few drams.  Does make the milk taste good, though!)

“The term ‘whisky’ derives from the Gaelic usquebaugh – itself from the Scottish Gaelic uisge beatha, or the Irish Gaelic spelling uisce beatha. Uisce comes from the Old Irish for ‘water’ and beatha from bethad, meaning ‘of life’. With this in mind, whisky is etymologically linked with a great number of spirits, all of which refer to the origins of the spirit – the quest for the elixir of life.” A worthy goal if ever I heard one.

Survey says:  Whisky if you’re a Scot; Whiskey if you’re Irish.  (Oh, who the fuck cares…pass the bottle).  I’m going with the Scottish spelling ’cause I’m lazy and currently obsessed with all things Scot/Scots/Scottish/Scotch.

One Bourbon, One Scotch and one Beer Rye

What is the difference, you ask? Well, first, they are all whisky, which means simply that they are made of fermented grain mash. The differences lie in which grain is used.

Scotch Whisky

To qualify as a Scotch the spirit must be made from malted barley, with many Scotches using nothing more than barley, water and yeast.  It  is aged in oak casks for no less than three years, and must have an Alcohol By Volume (ABV) at less than 94.8%.  Finally, and most importantly, you cannot call your drink Scotch unless it was made 100% in Scotland by hot and well-defined Scotsmen with amazing pecs and thighs that can crack walnuts. Sam Heughan and Thom Evans come to mind:

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images (6)(ok, aye, I made that last part up)

For a little more on the regional differences of Scotch Whiskey, here’s Sam (taste-testing whisky at 10:30 am on a Monday – which I would highly recommend. Side note: Coos do NOT like Mondays…we want to shoot, shoot, shoot ’em all down) with the E’s Kristin Dos Santos:

Laphroaig is my current favorite Scotch whisky (NOOOO, NOT JUST BECAUSE SAM LIKES IT. JEEZ).  It took me some time to come around to it…it’s verra peaty and a wee bit of an acquired taste.  The first time I had it, dinna like it much at all.  (Of course, it may have just been that the name kind of reminded me of Laoghaire…that’ll leave a bad taste in anyone’s mouth, aye?) Be patient…it’ll grow on ye.  One last thing…here’s a handy pronunciation guide for some of the more challenging Scotch names:  www.dcs.ed.ac.uk/home/jhb/whisky/pronounc.html

 Irish Whiskey

This may sound incredibly silly, but Irish whiskey is pretty much any whiskey aged in the Republic of Ireland or in Northern Ireland.  Really…that’s what makes it Irish. I dinna ken why it’s nae more complicated..it just isna!  I never said it wasna tasty! Like Scotch, it must be distilled to an ABV of less than 94.8. However, the distilling standards are much less particular than in Scotland.

“It must be made from yeast-fermented grain mash in such a way that the distillate has an aroma and flavor derived from the materials used”. (Aye, I know…that says absolutely nothing.  I copied that line directly from Wikipedia). From what I gather, you can use any cereal grains, but if you mix two or more it must be labelled as “blended”.  Finally, the whiskey must be aged for at least three years in “wooden casks” (apparently any old maggot-ridden wood will do in Ireland).  Och, I’m kidding! Don’t get yer knickers in a bunch.  Actually, Irish whiskey differs from Scotch in the distilling processes. The three main types are Single Pot, which uses unmalted barley along with the malted barley mash. (this type of whiskey is unique to Ireland); Double distilled and Triple distilled. The vagaries of distillation are beyond my ken.  If ye really want to know, look it up yer damn selves. I’m no yer maither!

Moo’s recommendation from Eire is Teeling Small Batch.  It’s aged in rum casks, which gives it a lovely flavor.

American Whiskys

Bourbon:  Bourbon is made with at least 51%  corn, plus rye, wheat and barley.  By law, it must be aged in new, charred oak barrels, and must be made and aged in the US (but not specifically in Kentucky, contrary to popular belief).  The taste of bourbon is often described as “spicy” and “fiery.”

Moo’s personal favorite is Maker’s Mark (which is a “wheated” bourbon).  If you want a traditional bourbon, I have it on good authority that Evan Williams Single Barrel is excellent.

The other “corn” oriented whisky comes from Tennesee and is made with corn, rye and barley (usually 60% corn to 40% other grain ratio).  It is made with the “Lincoln County Process (which involves pre-aging charcoal “mellowing”).  It has a sweet, smooth flavor with a lot of “corn character.”  Moo recommends the classic Jack Daniels Old No. 7. Dougal would love it, aye?

Rye:  Rye is more or less the same as bourbon, except that it is made with rye (Duh), not corn.  It is described as herbal, grassy, fiery and spicy. It will kick your ass, but in a good way.

I don’t often drink rye, but I once had Whistlepig Straight Rye.  It was verra tasty.

So there ye have it.  Have ye enjoyed this wee trip into the world of whisky?  I hope ye will go try it.  In the immortal words of  that witty American, Mark Twain:  “Too much of anything is bad.  Too much of good whisky is barely enough.”

Beware though…here’s what happens when you have a bit too much (thank you again, Sam)

Slàinte Mhath!

Happy Beltane: Straddling Sam and Jamie

I know what you‘re thinking…JHRC, another blog about Outlander.  Aye, I ken it, truly.  But, like many people I suffer from Outlander Obsessive Disorder (OOD). Ye can look it up; It’s in the DSM5. So in my own defense and on recommendation from my shrink, I’m here seeking an outlet for my unnatural obsession with all things OL (books and show), since my family and friends are ready to have me committed (no, seriously). However, occasionally my mind wanders to wide and varied places, grasshoppers, so you may find this blog veering off in other directions (which I will then, of course, find a way to relate back to OL). Kind of like my own version of 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. To prove my point, Sam Heughan CAN be linked to Kevin Bacon (as can every other celebrity in the known universe):

Sam Heughan

was in

Emulsion (2014)

with

Tom Butcher (I)

was in

And When Did You Last See Your Father? (2007)

with

Colin Firth

was in

Where the Truth Lies (2005)

with

Kevin Bacon

(Source: Oracle of Bacon.com)

**Fair warning: this will not be a familyfriendly place. I occasionally have a pottymouth (and I’m not afraid to use it). If you have delicate sensibilities, leave now. Also, I willna give “Spoiler Alerts”. If ye havena read the books, and ye don’t want to know what’s coming, ye should also leave now. Finally, I tend to slip into “Jamiespeak” now and again. It’s congenital, ye ken? Deal with it.  So here goes…

Happy Beltane: Straddling Sam and Jamie

I decided to make my maiden entry on May 1 st . Seemed appropriate, somehow. Since I am starting this on Beltane, I thought it appropriate to give a little Beltane 101 for those of you unfamiliar with this glorious fete. I see lots of people wishing each other a Happy Beltane out in SM Land, but do they know what it’s all about?

Beltane is the ancient pagan fertility festival celebrated on May 1st (although the festivities often begin on the night of April 30th). It is the festival of sensuality, of pleasures of the flesh and of the greening of the Earth.  You may have noticed that the dates conveniently span both Sam Heughan’s and Jamie Fraser’s birthdays. It can’t be a coincidence that these happy occurrences fall on what is, for all intents and purposes, The Sex Holiday. Of course they do.  Who better to celebrate on Beltane than the two sexiest men EVAH?  And, frankly, anything that straddles both Sam and Jamie is, by definition, Good…so sayeth the Goddess.

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Sorry, lost my train of thought there for a minute...what was I saying? Oh right, Beltane.

Beltane rituals symbolically (and sometimes literally) recreate the joining of the Goddess (see Brighid, Demeter, Gaia, Bast, Isis, Juno, et al) and the Earth God (see Cernunnos, the Green Man, Pan, Bacchus, the Horned God (no,ye clot heid, he’s NOT the Devil). Och, ye should see the wee fiends at the festivities, going at it like rrrrabbits (everyone practice rrrrolling those rrrrs). Shaggers of wee beasties, indeed! But I digress…This symbolic copulation ensures healthy livestock, abundant crops, and general well being for the rest of the year in a celebration of life and reproduction in all its glory. As I can attest personally, in Celtic traditions, the coos are driven through the smoke of the Beltane fires and blessed with health and fertility in the coming year.

(Wee Hielan Coos tend to lean toward paganism, bet ye didna ken that!). And not for nothing. prancing around the Maypole and leaping over the fire under the stars of a cool Hielan spring evening in nothing but my ginger hide is pretty darned awesome. You should try it sometime.

Celebrating at Home

If ye can’t get to a Beltane Feast, ye can always celebrate at home.  Just think spring and sex, sex, sex!. Use lots of greens, as well as bright spring colors — the yellow of the daffodils, the purples of lilacs; the blue of a spring sky or a robin’s egg when ye decorate your pasture or byre.

Fertility Symbols

As ye may have guessed, Beltane is when the male god is at his most potent. He’s often portrayed with a great big cockstand. If ye don’t have one of those lying about (or it’s just not standing up like our poor Black Jackie experienced last week during the Lallybroch episode…maybe he’s just too evil for Beltane) ye can use other male fertility symbols like antlers, sticks, acorns, and seeds. Ye may even consider adding a Maypole as yer centerpiece — there’s nae much that’s more phallic than a big pole sticking out of the ground, aye?

In addition to the upstanding attributes of the god, the fertility of lasses are celebrated at Beltane as well. She represents the earth, warm and inviting, waiting for seeds to grow within her.  Ye can add a goddess symbol, such as a statue, cauldron, cup, or other feminine items.

Faeries

Finally, in some cultures, Beltane is known to be sacred to the Fae. If you follow a tradition that honors the Faerie realm, ye should leave offerings on your altar for the wee sprites…they cause trouble if ye don’t feed them.

So there you have it, a quick overview of Beltane. And now I have ye thinking about Sam’s and Jamie’s big poles (yer welcome), ye can go enjoy your Beltane.  A verra fitting holiday for celebrating all things Sam and Jamie, aye?